Operation Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang

At the beginning of each episode of A&E’s reality program Hoarders the viewer is informed that there are millions of Americans afflicted with what is called “Compulsive hoarding disorder”. Accompanied by the eerie ding of a piano key the text on the screen also states clearly “that there is no known cure for this behavior.”

You are then subject to a disgusting, mind numbing hour long trip into the hovels and filth ridden dens of people who just can’t seem to pick up after themselves. Psychologists and “organization experts” enter the wreckage and try to straighten up the home. They patiently listen to the woeful wailings and inane ramblings of the program’s star hoarder of the week as the afflicted loses his or her mind over some tattered refuse being thrown into a dumpster. It is a grim scene, one I find not only disturbing but also a complete and utter waste of everyone’s time.

Allow me to elaborate.

By the program’s own admission, “there is no known cure” for these people. If this is true then I have to ask,” What the Christ is everyone doing there?” You are just going to clean the place up and the nut job that lives in the self-made outhouse will fill it back up with another treasure trove of trash. I suppose if one wants a bit of job security this makes sense, but for me it looks like nothing more than a dog and pony show.

Wouldn’t it be more honest for the program’s preamble to read:

 “We are about to rape your eyes with the lifestyle of a mental patient for which there is no hope or cure. In the next hour, we will wander about spouting off useless and half-baked theories in an attempt to entertain as well as sicken you. Enjoy.”

I do not pretend to have a cure for hoarding and all the dangers it breeds, but I do have a solution, and I call it “Operation Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang”, as it was inspired by the Child Catcher character from the film.

 My plan requires the formation of two three man teams, Alpha and Bravo.

Phase one: Alpha team parks a pack van in a conspicuous location in front of the hoarder’s residence. Placing signs on the sides and rear of said van that read “Free for the taking”. Pull the ramp down for easy access to the piles of useless items inside the box part of the truck. Once the trap is set, Alpha team redeploys to a position out of site of the van where they will equip themselves with large butterfly nets in case the hoarder tries to get away.

Phase two: The temptation of unknown treasures before their very eyes will be too much for any hoarder to resist and they will eventually totter out of their hovels and up the ramp. When the Nutter is in the truck two members of Bravo team race from their hiding place around the corner and slam the door shut, thereby trapping the loon for safe transport. The third member of Bravo team simultaneously runs up and kicks in the door of the Hoarder’s residence throwing a Molotov cocktail into the recently vacated domicile.

Phase three: Open the door to the van and allow the captured crazy to see the destruction of all his/her dreams and to give them a false sense of hope of freedom. Once accomplished, the use of pepper spray, though unnecessary at this point, is still encouraged to subdue the distressed further. Slam the door back down and drive to the Loony Bin where your charge will spend the rest of his/her days dreaming of dented cans and filth while doing the Thorazine shuffle.

Though Operation CCBB will not have the “Feel Good” flavor of the current program I believe it would have greater positive effect overall. The removal of an insane person from an unhealthy and dangerous environment is but one of the beneficial effects of my solution. There also comes into play the raising of property values by removing the eyesore that once was the blight of the neighborhood, not to mention the entertainment value.

Allen R Butler