A Long Retort

I came across this story this morning while doing a file clean up. It was written during the winter of 2010.

A long retort.

So yesterday the fine people of Maine were hit with another blizzard and though my tired body wanted nothing more than to sleep the day away, I drove to work instead.  The wind whipped huge drifts of snow across the winding back roads on my route and the chatter from the radio spoke of nothing else but driving conditions and cancellations. After something of a stressful drive I arrived at work and headed to my office to begin what I knew would be a very long day. You see every time a snowflake drifts from far above, my shop inevitably will be short handed due to people calling out.  Silently counting off in my head which of my employees would call, I began to open the door to my little office and noticed something that made my face twitch.

Taped to the middle of my door, was a note on a rather large sheet of paper which read:

               “Please leave the lights on!!! I do think I know how to shut them off!!!”

               The Security Guard.

This was obviously written to protest my shutting down the 312 fluorescent lights in the shop every night as I leave and lock up.

Now to do this fine scripture, this eloquent missive, justice I must explain that it was handwritten in blue marker and the letters were rather large. The author managed to cover the entire paper with but those few lines and barely had room for to add from whom it came.  On the very top, scrawled as an obvious afterthought was the date in ball point ink and circled. I could see the anger and frustration of this poor man in that last added piece; the circling motion had almost cut through the paper as he had pressed down so hard. It was this obvious frustration and anger that set my mind to thinking. Not nice thoughts mind you, but ones of evil and malicious intent as those are the most common and easily embraced by me.
Perusing the note again, I began to seethe with anger myself at the temerity and cheek of this act.

“How dare this insignificant bug lift his less than human voice to me in protest?  By what reasoning does this insect believe that I will take notice of his concerns? He is but a parasite living and breathing only by my benevolence.”  Continuing to think along those lines, with much happier thoughts of tearing limbs out one by one much like I would to a captured fly, I went about my day.

Yet after awhile I realized I was looking at the whole incident in the wrong light. Oh yes he is but a wee biting fly, but even they have a purpose, if only to spread disease unto the human race. “No” I thought, “The author is mentally challenged in some way and he understands not how light switches work”

And with that I decided to write him the following note:

 Dear Mr. Security Guard,

                                            I cannot express the disquiet your recent note as concerns lights in the shop, has given me. It is rare indeed for me to notice, let alone acknowledge the existence of someone in your position; therefore it is good that you have brought this most important of issues to my attention. After reading your note several times I have come to realize that you somehow know how to turn a light switch to the off position yet are unable to reverse this basic mechanical function to turn the lights on as well. Would that I was more sensitive to this obvious handicap, I can only imagine how dark and bleak your life must be. It intrigues me greatly and I must ask how do you get on? You must have to wait for someone else to turn the lights on at home but what if they are out, or an unfortunate accident befalls them? I can see how cruel a twist of fate that would be as you wander about in the darkness unable to enjoy the comforts of electricity. I can only assume that this handicap extends beyond the use of light switches and that you are incapable of turning on any number of appliances as well. If I am incorrect in this assumption please forgive my ignorance, your condition is rather new to me.

That being said, I see you are a man of reason for in your note you express the phrase “I do think”. This gave me hope that somehow we could overcome this difficulty and utilize your skill of thought to better your day to day life as well as improve the working relationship between us. God knows the latter is what I desire more than anything on this earth. So let’s begin to address the issue with a bit of thinking.

You have already deduced that with some form of downward motion of your paw you can turn the switch off thereby extinguishing the lights associated with that particular outlet. There is a direct correlation between the act and the effect. This same concept “Paw to Switch” or PTS as it is commonly known can also work in the reverse. This is accomplished simply by placing your paw beneath the switch tabs and then lifting up. This may take some practice as you have a lifetime of downward paw motion to overcome. You may experience moments of great frustration as you attempt to train yourself to swing upwards yet the rewards will be satisfying. If you are unable to facilitate an upward motion with your paw then I would suggest using a tool of some sort to flick the switch up and on. The flashlight you carry around would work wonderfully in such a capacity.

Now do not think you are alone in this for as I said I wish to better our relationship, so in the spirit of that thought I will do what I can to help you overcome this handicap. First; I will continue to shut out the lights every evening even though you won’t like that much. It is for your own good really, no sense in enableling you any further. You will never learn if you don’t try and you won’t try if we make it too easy for you. Second; as you are a subcontractor and not an employee I feel it necessary to inform your direct supervisor at the security company of your disability. I am sure you have been much too proud to divulge this information, yet by telling him/her they will be able to work with you on overcoming this handicap in other ways, such as when you work at other facilities they can plan your route so that you have to turn every light on and off at least once if not three times a night. Lastly; I promise that once you have mastered the act of turning lights on I will help you learn how to use that Flashlight of yours by shutting the lights while you are walking around inside the building. This advanced training will continue until such time as we find a proper replacement. You will then be free to take these new found skills and the sheer power that they inherently give to your new situation.

I am glad that you found the strength, and fortitude to confide in me, however inadvertently, as to your condition. Together we can beat this thing, and you can go on to live a happy and normal life if only you try.

Allen R Butler