Operation Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang

At the beginning of each episode of A&E’s reality program Hoarders the viewer is informed that there are millions of Americans afflicted with what is called “Compulsive hoarding disorder”. Accompanied by the eerie ding of a piano key the text on the screen also states clearly “that there is no known cure for this behavior.”

You are then subject to a disgusting, mind numbing hour long trip into the hovels and filth ridden dens of people who just can’t seem to pick up after themselves. Psychologists and “organization experts” enter the wreckage and try to straighten up the home. They patiently listen to the woeful wailings and inane ramblings of the program’s star hoarder of the week as the afflicted loses his or her mind over some tattered refuse being thrown into a dumpster. It is a grim scene, one I find not only disturbing but also a complete and utter waste of everyone’s time.

Allow me to elaborate.

By the program’s own admission, “there is no known cure” for these people. If this is true then I have to ask,” What the Christ is everyone doing there?” You are just going to clean the place up and the nut job that lives in the self-made outhouse will fill it back up with another treasure trove of trash. I suppose if one wants a bit of job security this makes sense, but for me it looks like nothing more than a dog and pony show.

Wouldn’t it be more honest for the program’s preamble to read:

 “We are about to rape your eyes with the lifestyle of a mental patient for which there is no hope or cure. In the next hour, we will wander about spouting off useless and half-baked theories in an attempt to entertain as well as sicken you. Enjoy.”

I do not pretend to have a cure for hoarding and all the dangers it breeds, but I do have a solution, and I call it “Operation Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang”, as it was inspired by the Child Catcher character from the film.

 My plan requires the formation of two three man teams, Alpha and Bravo.

Phase one: Alpha team parks a pack van in a conspicuous location in front of the hoarder’s residence. Placing signs on the sides and rear of said van that read “Free for the taking”. Pull the ramp down for easy access to the piles of useless items inside the box part of the truck. Once the trap is set, Alpha team redeploys to a position out of site of the van where they will equip themselves with large butterfly nets in case the hoarder tries to get away.

Phase two: The temptation of unknown treasures before their very eyes will be too much for any hoarder to resist and they will eventually totter out of their hovels and up the ramp. When the Nutter is in the truck two members of Bravo team race from their hiding place around the corner and slam the door shut, thereby trapping the loon for safe transport. The third member of Bravo team simultaneously runs up and kicks in the door of the Hoarder’s residence throwing a Molotov cocktail into the recently vacated domicile.

Phase three: Open the door to the van and allow the captured crazy to see the destruction of all his/her dreams and to give them a false sense of hope of freedom. Once accomplished, the use of pepper spray, though unnecessary at this point, is still encouraged to subdue the distressed further. Slam the door back down and drive to the Loony Bin where your charge will spend the rest of his/her days dreaming of dented cans and filth while doing the Thorazine shuffle.

Though Operation CCBB will not have the “Feel Good” flavor of the current program I believe it would have greater positive effect overall. The removal of an insane person from an unhealthy and dangerous environment is but one of the beneficial effects of my solution. There also comes into play the raising of property values by removing the eyesore that once was the blight of the neighborhood, not to mention the entertainment value.

Allen R Butler

Reunions: the bare facts.

"Having a wee bit of fun 1984 style"

Have you ever wondered what happened to all those people you once knew in High School? Those friends or enemies of an age long since past? You would not be completely alone if you did, for it seems much of the hype behind High School reunions is couched in such curiosity. Every year millions of Alumni across the nation get together for trips down “memory lane” accompanied by cheap food, weak drinks, and small talk.  Some travel across the country in eager anticipation of seeing some of those persons who were once called friends. I am a little baffled over this phenomena as the question of “where are they now?” never poses any difficulty, as I can honestly state “I really don’t care.”

I say this not out of anger or contempt, but from a purely practical point of view, for if I really wanted to know what a classmate has done with his/her life I think I would have made an effort to contact them by now. So too would I expect the same, and if some former school mate of mine does not have the wherewithal to understand this simple concept then no amount of small talk will ever overcome their lack of intelligence.

I sure enough wouldn’t sit and wait twenty five years to say; “hey how have you been?”

“Oh pretty good Al, except I could’ve used your help ten years back while I was being raped in prison”.

“Yeah, sorry I couldn’t be there for you. Did you see Jeanie? Man did she get fat or what?”

To be completely honest it is not so much curiosity that spurs people on to these events but a desire to measure one’s life. In essence, to see who has succeeded and who has failed. Ask anyone who has gone to a reunion and they will quickly be able to point out not only how far down the social ladder the captain of the football team has fallen, but do so with a self-satisfied smile upon their face. For that is the crux of the matter. You can wrap it up in any feel good packaging you want, and pretend that the balding middle aged man across the room is your dear friend, though you don’t even know where he lives. But, more importantly, you can sit back and take pleasure in the fact that the same man was once the school Casanova, the desire of so many teen aged girl crushes, yet is now marked by age and rather a mere shadow of his former self.

Or on the opposite track you may find yourself bypassing all the supposed “winners” from High School with your own achievements. Now that is an experience worth shooting for isn’t it? Travelling hundreds if not thousands of miles to stand in a gymnasium and strut before strangers who barely remember your name and don’t really care whether or not if you live or die. I cannot help but think “How utterly futile and stupid”. Will such a moment produce a lasting positive effect on your life? I doubt any pleasure derived from such an act would persist beyond waking the following morning. If it does well then, I am sorry, for your current circumstance must be rather dull and unhappy.

For me I have no desire to dig up the ghosts of the past, there’s no upside to it. Neither do I feel the need to unzip my pants and measure the length of my manhood. I already know how much larger it is than all of those who need the reassurance of reunions to give them self-confidence.

Cheer up though, it's Friday.

Allen R. Butler

Another Race Baiter

"Everything [Obama] does is subject to a different lens and seen through a microscope that really tends to pick him apart. I think it's indivisible from the broader issue of his race, of his being a black man with a certain kind of authority. These are impolite things we don't want to talk about. We think that they're being extraordinary ratcheted up. But I don't see any other way to explain it but a remarkable resistance to the integrity of this man that has no other explanation." --Georgetown University professor Michael Eric Dyson

Upon reading the above statement from a learned and revered professor of Sociology at one of our more prestigious universities, I could not help but thank God I did not attend that institution.

Dr. Dyson needs to put aside this proclivity to lean on race as the “go to” answer on issues surrounding President Obama and look more to the man. Most assuredly Obama is black, yet the general disdain for him resides not in that fact, but quite simply in the President’s doltish and oft times ridiculous behavior. His attempt to “dress down” the Supreme Court in which this supposed scholar of Constitutional law displayed his ignorance of the very basic concept of the separation of powers is a good example of which I speak. Not to mention the stale dogmatic proclamations of his “Hard work in creating jobs”. Jobs that never come into being because, only the private sector can create jobs not government. His pandering to the poor, feeling their pain, with homespun demagoguery, while his wife is relaxing in Hawaii on the taxpayers dime could be viewed in a negative light no matter what race the man is no?. Perhaps Mr. Dyson the American people have realized that the man who occupies the empty suit isn’t so much a black man but a dumb one, and in so doing have learned they have been duped.

Allen R. Butler

Occupy This!

The "Occupy Wall Street" protesters have listed 13 proposed demands from their website.

http://occupywallst.org/forum/proposed-list-of-demands-for-occupy-wall-st-moveme/

I have read the above list of Demands from this group and was so shocked by its lack of reason and understanding I was forced to jot down a few notes on each. My thoughts are in italics beneath each demand in turn. Enjoy.

Demand one: Restoration of the living wage. This demand can only be met by ending "Freetrade" by re-imposing trade tariffs on all imported goods entering the American market to level the playing field for domestic family farming and domestic manufacturing as most nations that are dumping cheap products onto the American market have radical wage and environmental regulation advantages. Another policy that must be instituted is raise the minimum wage to twenty dollars an hr.

This will increase dramatically the cost of goods here. Everything from clothing to video games will cost more to purchase, and though the purpose is to increase domestic manufacture the demand is shortsighted. For as the demand for a $20 minimum wage per worker will cost American business’ more to produce any new products and bring them to market. Any benefit derived from a tariff will be totally consumed by this secondary demand and will only destroy the ability of domestic manufacture to compete. Even if the tariffs imposed were so prohibitive as to allow a “level playing field” i.e. an isolationist policy, for American business we would be faced with such an increase in cost of goods that most of the items made would remain on the shelf as nobody would be able to purchase them. This in no way will “produce jobs” but rather reduce them as employers and owners will be forced to eliminate positions and consolidate tasks if not shut down outright, due to the costs imposed upon them by the wage requirement and the lack of sales due to the increased price of manufacture materials and labor.

Demand two: Institute a universal single payer healthcare system. To do this all private insurers must be banned from the healthcare market as their only effect on the health of patients is to take money away from doctors, nurses and hospitals preventing them from doing their jobs and hand that money to wall st. investors.

I personally cannot begin to fathom the thought process that came up with the above reasoning. It is evident that whoever wrote it has never looked at health insurance or the basic concept. Health insurance is paid for by individuals and companies in small increments called “premiums” which in turn are put into a pool to pay the costs of Doctors and Hospitals who care for the insured when they fall ill. The payment of benefits almost always exceeds the individual’s premium contribution as the cost of health care is so high. The consumer can chose how much coverage he/she wishes to purchase which dictates what the insurance company “covers” and what it does not. This presupposes that the individual works for a living and that they pay into the system instead of simply sitting on their ass waiting for a hand out. The effect on the economy of creating a state run monopoly of the Insurance industry will do nothing to create jobs in the private sector; as a matter of fact it will eliminate thousands of employees nationwide due to banning the insurance industry outright. The only outcome of this monumentally stupid demand will be that the State will control all aspects of health sort of like in the Soviet Union and that friendliest of regimes Nazi Germany.

Demand three: Guaranteed living wage income regardless of employment.

 How am I as an employer to keep my company profitable and my workers, for which these protestors say they advocate, motivated if I have to pay a floor sweeper more than the job is worth? Let me explain: Floor sweeper who I used to pay $8:00 an hour now has to get at least $20.00 if not more. Where is that extra money going to come from? My first thought is “sorry Manny but you are off to the unemployment line” my second is I will have to reduce the salary of someone else who brings higher value to my company with their labor to “save” the job of Manny the uneducated push broom guy. Let’s say I like Manny and opt for option two, what do you think my reducing the salary of my top sales person will do to his overall productivity? Would any of the people milling about in protest be willing to give up 10-20,000 dollars a year so Manny can happily keep sweeping? They might say they would but when the paycheck came up short they would be furious. Not to worry though as I don’t see too many of the “Occupiers” who have had to work too hard if ever for their bread.

Demand four: Free college education.

Question: Who pays? I’m already taxed to the hilt where is the money going to come from China?

Demand five: Begin a fast track process to bring the fossil fuel economy to an end while at the same bringing the alternative energy economy up to energy demand.

 I actually have advocated for this before but as the author undermines the concept by removing nuclear power from the mix in demand number seven I see this being an unobtainable goal. As usual “feel good” rhetoric rather than practical application takes the fore,

Demand six: One trillion dollars in infrastructure (Water, Sewer, Rail, Roads and Bridges and Electrical Grid) spending now.

Good idea but anyone read the news of late? You know the small bit about the US being in debt and that our unfunded liabilities are scheduled to sink us in a few years? Where is the money coming from?

Demand seven: One trillion dollars in ecological restoration planting forests, reestablishing wetlands and the natural flow of river systems and decommissioning of all of America's nuclear power plants.

Mo Money, Mo Money, Mo Money! seriously hippies I know that reality and the boring old concepts of basic economics are beneath your notice, but you have to know there is no magic cash box for such a project. As to Nuclear power see above demand number five.

Demand eight: Racial and gender equal rights amendment.

Please read the current US Constitution and its various amendments. If you can do so you will probably find that these demands are already part of our system.

Demand nine: Open borders migration. anyone can travel anywhere to work and live.

Right, so not only have you proposed that wage increases across the board for business’ but then you turn around and say that Illegals can come here and work for the same wage? Ahem…. Let me tell you how that will work out. The migrant will take the $20.00 job and offer to do it for $10.00 and as an employer who is in business to make a profit the savings in labor being halved would be an opportunity which could not be passed up. Essentially the demand will replace existing employees with the influx of this new “legal” labor who will be happy to take the salary offered and in so doing will undermine the concept of “the living wage” so passionately put forth in Demand number three. I have to ask two things; 1. What fucking business school did you go to? And 2. How is replacing the American worker with a foreigner helping to create jobs and a living wage for our citizens?

Demand ten: Bring American elections up to international standards of a paper ballot precinct counted and recounted in front of an independent and party observers system.

 Seriously? I cannot even respond to this we are not Syria!

Demand eleven: Immediate across the board debt forgiveness for all. Debt forgiveness of sovereign debt, commercial loans, home mortgages, home equity loans, credit card debt, student loans and personal loans now! All debt must be stricken from the "Books." World Bank Loans to all Nations, Bank to Bank Debt and all Bonds and Margin Call Debt in the stock market including all Derivatives or Credit Default Swaps, all 65 trillion dollars of them must also be stricken from the "Books." And I don't mean debt that is in default, I mean all debt on the entire planet period.

Outside of the pure fantasy of this statement and its globally devastating effects, there is only one thing I can say. “No matter what you or the government says about forgiveness, if you owe me money you will not be forgiven the debt. On the contrary, I will beat you, your friends and family down until I get paid with interest. I know a couple of nice lads who need work Sean and Tommy, and I am sure they could find a way to get you to pay up. Just give it a try I have a couple hundred I can loan you right now ;)”

Demand twelve: Outlaw all credit reporting agencies.

Say goodbye to that shiny new vagina on wheels (Prius) you have been eyeing because without any credit or reporting you will have to pay cash up front for it. By the way as you increased the tariffs by eliminating Free Trade the price just went up to around $90,000. You best buy more Birkenstock sandals because you’re going to be kicking it on down the road afoot.

Demand thirteen: Allow all workers to sign a ballot at any time during a union organizing campaign or at any time that represents their yeah or nay to having a union represent them in collective bargaining or to form a union.

 I assume this includes at bars while impaired by the twelve drinks the Union rep bought you, or at the Hospital after Vito and Tony have had a nice chat with you about how “healthy” it is to be in the Union. Good plan there.

Conclusion: Contrary to the Movement’s claims I have pointed out in my notes not one of these Demands will create Jobs, but only increase unemployment, hardship, and destitution worldwide. The folly of the occupation and its followers lays in their failure to understand the most basic concepts of economics. I.e. ignorance.

The intellectually inept moron who devised the 13 Demands for the Occupation should be dragged out into the street and kicked until he cannot reproduce, thereby saving the gene pool from further contamination of his stupidity. Outside of that my personal demand is this; all of the Hippies milling about aimlessly in protest should be dispersed with tear gas and horse troops. That way they can have a bit of drama to go along with their ignorance. “Occupy This!” deadbeats. You know where my hand is.